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Monday, June 6, 2011

Monday Spotlight: Gail Koger

Dumb Criminals and Critters

For over thirty-one years I worked as a 9-1-1 dispatcher. The highlight of my day was when we caught bad guys but sometimes they made it way too easy. These felons are a few bricks short of a full load.

Criminal 101:
The proper disguise is essential:

This not so bright female bank robber wore a bag over her head with eye holes cut neatly into the paper. Needless to say, she immediate drew attention when she walks into the bank. The spiffy pink bathrobe also made a nice fashion statement. Her getaway vehicle was an old RV incapable of doing more than fifty. She now resides in the local women’s correctional facility.

The dumb as a rock bank robber decides that dressing as a woman is the perfect disguise. Unfortunately, he forgot to shave and his equally hairy legs gave away his true sex. The enraged bank customers chase him down and apply a little street justice in the parking lot. The suspect was very happy to see the cops arrive.

Finding the perfect hiding place:

Our luckless bad guy breaks into an office building and panics when the police arrive. He makes the incredibly dumb decision that the refrigerator is the perfect hiding place. Ah, suffocation anyone? Not to mention the food stashed haphazardly on the counter was a dead giveaway. After a little oxygen, he gets a one way ticket to jail.

This dumb criminal decides hiding between the mattresses on his bed is the smart way to go. Okay, the dude was skinny but not that skinny. The officers promptly burst into laughter at the high riding mattress and cuff the idiot.

Cleanliness can lead to prison:

A woman comes home and finds her house had been burglarized. She hears noises in the bathroom and cautiously opens the door. To her stunned amazement, she finds the suspect neck deep in bubble bath. The offended felony yells, “Close the damn door, I’m taking a bath here.” The very clean burglar was promptly carted off to jail.

How Not to date a cop:

A very attractive female officer was eating lunch at a fast food joint when the front window suddenly shatters. The officer sees a man running across the parking lot with an OMG expression on his face. A bit peeved that her lunch has been ruined, she chases him down and slaps the cuffs on. Our love stricken moron confesses that he thought she was really hot and just wanted to get her attention.

He did.

Critter attacks:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. A pack of killer Chihuahuas is terrorizing the city. They make the bad mistake of attacking an officer escorting a teenage suspect home. The vicious mutts resist arrest and keep nipping the officer’s legs. After being thoroughly maced, they’re taken into custody by animal control.

Monkey see, monkey do:

An officer responds to a call of a loose monkey and sure enough he finds it. He manages to coax the frighten animal into the back seat of his patrol car. The dispatcher puts out a burglary in progress call a short distance away. The excited officer hits his lights and sirens and peels out. This upsets the monkey just a tad. By the time the officer drives three short blocks, he and the interior of his car are covered in monkey piss and poop. Anyone have some Clorox wipes?

Watch the trailer for The Nasty Vamp and answer one simple question. What does our heroine want for her 21st birthday? Up for grabs is genuine, authentic Navajo Indian necklace I bought at Monument Valley. Click on the link below, answer the question correctly and you're put in the drawing. Simple, huh?

Send your reply to and put in the subject field: WC Trailer Contest.

The drawing will be held June 28th and the winner will be posted at the author's blog at

Good luck!


heather said...

lmbo, those were too funny. I read another one where a women was arrested for DUI because she stopped at a crash site to complain about the parking lol.

Cathy M said...

What a hoot, Gail. My favorite was the monkey and the guy hiding in the frig. My hubby is a retired fire captain, and some of the 911 calls they responded to over the years still crack me up.

caity_mack at yahoo dot com